Beowulf
Posted by Vladimyr on Friday, February 1 2008

Bad-motherfucking-ass. That is a nice hybrid word one could use to describe the carnage and battle-filled glory that is the movie Beowulf. We all know the basic story, right? Let me elaborate ever so slightly for those of you who aren't fans of Viking era glory!! (***note*** If this is you, you probably don't belong on this website)

Denmark, 507 A.D. - Old King Hrothgar and his rowdy band of warriors are getting drunk and fucking big tittied mead wenches in his new mead hall. Out of nowhere comes Grendel, the spawn of a nearby water demon, to kick a little ass and chew some Viking gum. The noise of the debauchery being had in the mead hall apparently offends his delicate sensibilities and puts his demonic panties in a bunch. Soon after Hrothgar closes down the mead hall in fear of the monster and puts out the call for a hero to come and save his nuts. A few months later Beowulf and his battle-hardened band of Geats show up to fuck the Danes women and kill their demon. When Grendel shows up at the mead hall that night Beowulf not only kicks his ass but he rips his fucking arm off, killing him. Grendel's mother, whose name is apparently Grendel's mother, is rather unhappy about this and shows up to kill Beowulf's men. He follows the bitch back to her moist cave (not a reference to her vagina) and does battle with her for three days and nights, finally slaying her and ending the demonic reign of terror in Denmark. In light of his valor he is named King of Danes and rules for many years. As an old man a dragon comes to plague his lands wreaking terror on his people and waking him from his naps. He puts on the old armor and grabs up his Viking Axe and heads out to slay the dragon, fuck-a-lye, man, fuck-a-loo!! A great battle of fire and blood ensues. When the smoke has cleared and the ground no longer shakes the dragon is slain....as is Beowulf.

Now, the movie departs from the poem in several ways. First and foremost, the water demon is played by super-fine-crazy-means-good-fuckin Angelina Jolie. Even animated I'd fuck her 'til my heart explodes. Okay, so that isn't first and foremost but it is of great importance to anyone reading this site. Actually, the biggest departure is how the writers filled the holes in the poem to make a cohesive movie. In the movie Hrothgar fucks the water demon in his youth making Grendel his son. In turn, Beowulf fucks the water demon in his youth and is visited in his later years by the dragon...his son. I mean, look at the water demon. I'd fuck her too...even if it meant my hideous CHUDD of a child was going to revisit my "sins" upon me. Being a Viking is all about sins; rape, murder, stealing, lying, fucking, drinking and so on. They also turn Grendel from a monster that kills to kill into a somewhat sympathetic creature. Instead of him being evil he is just misunderstood and the blame for his violence is shifted to the humans. That's weak...but it is redeemed when Beowulf punches a fucking hole in the side of Grendel's head. That's him saying "I don't give a fuck whether we created you...you're going DOWN BITCH!!!"

I was slightly disappointed with Grendel's appearance (left). He was gnarly as fuck and definitely creepy but I was really hoping for more menacing and evil. However, if that leaves you wanting the dragon definitely delivers. Either way, I think it was a sweet fucking movie. Loads of violence, Viking tales of valor and bravery, hot bitches (even if they were animated over), drinking, battle, sex, lying, betrayal....basically a day in the life of any quality Orc.

Sunshine (2007)
Posted by Vladimyr on Tuesday, December 18 2007

The year is 2057, the Sun is fading and Earth is in nuclear winter. In a last ditch effort to prevent the end of our world as we know it, the best science has to offer sends a crew of 8 aboard the Icarus II, sister ship of the ill-fated Icarus I, to put the smack down on the big yellow star in the sky. In an effort that could only have been the brain child of the American military (Hooah!!) the plan is to detonate a fucking epic thermonuclear bomb to re-ignite the Sun. If at first you don't succeed, blow the shit out of something. This is apparently humanity's last chance as the payload, as the characters continually refer to the bomb, used up all remaining nuclear materials the planet has to offer.

Things appear to be going swimmingly right up until the crew picks up the distress signal of Icarus I. Capa, the ship's physicist/payload expert (played by creepy ass Cillian Murphy), makes the decision to deviate from the mission course to hook up with Icarus I in hopes of acquiring a second payload. Two warheads are better than one. From this moment on in the movie, shit goes haywire. The crew is forced to make decisions that would make your asshole pucker. Ultimately they are all expendible when you consider the importance of the mission (death of the planet). However, many of them are fucking pussies and can't stop clinging to what days they have remaining. Some of them take a nod from that piece of shit Survivor and form alliances to remove less useful members of the crew to conserve the dwindling oxygen supply. If I had been aboard I would have been concentraing on two things:

1) Complete the mission
2) Repeated attempts at impregnation of the ship's pilot, Cassie (played by Rose Byrne - smokin'!!)

The latter part of the movie turns darker and more violent as they come ever closer to the sun. There is an unknown saboteur aboard Icarus II. He's crazy, crispy and fanatical...like Fiery Habanero Dorito's made the sexy with a big pitcher of cult Kool-Aid. Will Capa deliver the payload and save the Earth? Will the saboteur accidentally expose Cassie's ample bussom while trying to kill her? Will this be the last movie review on this up and down website? You'll have to watch the movie - and come back here regularly - to find out.

Car movies and road rage fun!
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, July 22 2007

The Transformers movie came out this summer and since I never watched or like the Transformers as a 30-minute animated commercial, I mean TV show, I did not see the live action movie in the theaters. However, there are a number of equally fine movies out there involving cars that I think are more fun to watch. I have chosen lesser films of which you may not have heard.

The Last Chase – in a futuristic world the USA is a shadow of its former self and all cars have been outlawed. One guy (Lee Majors) finally gets fed up and feeling a need for sped rebuilds a high-powered European sports car and sets off for the Free Republic of California, where people still own cars (fuck yeah!). Worried that he will become a hero and upset the social order, the government tries to stop him and kill him and finally resorts to rebuilding an F-86 Sabre jet and recruiting a pilot to go after the outlaw (Burgess Meredith as the pilot). The movie is a pot-boiler but the F-86 is a wicked cool jet.

Vanishing Point – It’s simple. Guy is hired to drive a 500hp Mustang out west and gets hassled by “the law.” Watch it and learn why the ending to Thelma and Louise is a pale, pathetic rip-off of this movie’s final scene. Boss muscle car action and a lead character that is cooler than cool.

The Great Race – Tony Curtis as the hero, The Great Leslie, Jack Lemmon as the villain, Professor Fate. Perhaps the greatest road rally movie ever made. The premise is that in the early 1900s a New York newspaper sponsors a road rally across the US, across Asia and Europe and ending in Paris. A good and very funny movie that uses word gags and sight gags expertly. As a bonus, it features the second best pie fight ever caught on celluloid. At the end, if you do not ask where you can get a Hannibal Twin-8, you are probably a eunuch.

Greased Lightning – This is the story of a founding member of NASCAR, which also meant that he ran moonshine, Wendell Scott. Wendell Scott saw moonshine running and NASCAR as tools to get his sons through college. Did I mention that Wendell Scott was black? The lead was played by Richard Pryor and Wendell Scott was a technical advisor. It’s nice and light and lets the viewer learn a little bit about the birth of stock car racing. As a bonus, find a copy of Mojo Nixon’s song, “The Ballad of Wendell Scott.”

The Driver – a late 70s film about a getaway driver who is cool as a cucumber and the very best in the business and the cop determined to hunt him down and bring him to justice. Ryan O’Neal is The Driver and Bruce Dern the cop after him. Lots and lots of car chases and is on a par with Bullitt in terms of car chases and action. Watch this and you will probably want to take a nice steaming crap on a DVD of the Transporter and/or Nick Cages’s Gone in 60 Seconds (which really was a turd-fest).

Death Race 2000 - David Carradine stars in this classic cult creation. Deathrace 2000 is the 20th anniversary of the murderous trans-continental road race or, in the words of the US president "what you all want".

Basically, the film is about a race involving five participants - Frankenstein (Carradine), Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Stallone), Calamity Jane (Woronov), Mathilda the Hunn, and Nero the Hero - all of comic book stature. They are joined by navigators who double as concubines, and are participating in a high speed transcontinental race where the goal is to kill as many pedestrians as possible along the way. About a quarter of the way through the film, it becomes clear that the real story is about the connection between the US government, religion, mass-produced violence and a resistance movement, all focused on either promoting or ending the race once and for all.

Carradine is race hero Frankenstein. Sly Stallone plays his arch-rival Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, and an ensemble cast of fellow racers, media mavens, politicos, and willing and unwilling victims of "the great race" lend strong support. The acting is predictably campy and sometimes just a little too B grade. But the occasional pacing disaster just enhances the humor-value of the film. Stallone is particularly amusing, and gets great support from his sidekick. Carradine is typically bizarre, and even parodies himself with a few poorly choreographed kung fu techniques during his absurd fight scene with Stallone. You definitely need this in your DVD collection.

Honorable mentions because everybody and their uncle has seen them – Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Talladega Nights, Bullitt, Thunder Road, and while not a car movie in the purest sense, you can never go wrong with The Blues Brothers, Blues Brothers 2000, Red Asphalt and, of course, Car Wash……bzzzzzz…..Supa-Fly!

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