Movies that need to be made
Posted by CaptainKickback on Sunday, January 25 2009
These are classic books, or series of books that with modern technology, CGI animation and effects, can be done properly. Do not be surprised if you have never heard of them, just trust me, they kick serious ass.

Lord of Light (Roger Zelazny) – The story takes place on a planet that had been colonized millennia earlier by humans. To control the populace, the members of the ship’s crew set themselves up as Hindu gods and with the technological ability to transfer their minds into new bodies, they are immortal. Additionally, the technology enables them to wield weapons of amazing power. Shiva’s staff can lay waste to large areas, while Agni scorched the planet’s moon with his fire wand. However, one crew member has waged a long, long fight against the “gods” by adopting the persona of the Buddha. Tossed into the mix is the ship’s ex-chaplain whose southern kingdom use technology, zombies and atomics to challenge the gods. Does Mahasamatman in the role of Buddha overthrow the crews’ control of the planet, or will “the tall man of smoke with the wide brimmed hat” stoop over the priest’s headquarters. What role will Yama, the god of death play?

Creatures of Light and Darkness (Roger Zelazny) – Set in a far flung future, there are a small number of immortals who wield the powers of the ancient gods of Egypt. His memories suppressed, Set the Destroyer has wandered until the other gods try to use him as a pawn. When his memory is restored, he wages battle with Osiris and Typhon, who appears as the shadow of a horse which can discorporate anything it touches, if Typhon wills it. By time the dust settles, Set has departed with his dad, Osiris is dead and Typhon banished by The Hammer That Smashes Suns. It’s a real horseshit and gunsmoker.

The Wild Cards Anthology (George R. R. Martin editor) – Imagine it, in 1946 an alien spacecraft lands in New Mexico and the seemingly human alien inside tries to warn Earth of a bio-engineered spore that his planet plans to unleash on Earth, using humans as guinea pigs. The device falls into the hands of gangster who plan to hold New York City hostage, by orbiting the city in a special airship designed to fly at 60,000 feet. It all come to naught when WWII hero Jet Boy crashes his JB-1 jet into the airship as the bomb detonates releasing the Wild Card Virus. The virus only affects 1% of the population. Of that 1%, only 1% develop a serious mutation. Of that, only 1% become superheroes (Aces), the rest become hideously deformed monsters (jokers). A variety of authors created characters as the timeline goes from 1946 to present, with the only constant throughout being the alien Dr. Takasian and The Sleeper (Croyd Crenson) – who becomes something different each time he wakes up, and was featured in Dr. Hunter S. Thompson’s article, “Fear and Loathing in Jokertown.” There is political intrigue, epic fights, flawed heroes, doomed villains, alien invasions, sex and drugs and rock-n-roll baby.One of the others is The Great and Powerful Turtle, who once raised a battleship with just his mind, but can only wield his power when he feels safe, or Popinjay who can point at anything and teleport it to any other place he has seen, even the surface of the moon, or the Puppetmaster – a politician whose mind is sick and twisted and enjoys torturing others. Good times.

The Kane series (Karl Edward Wagner) – Kane was cursed with immortality by a crazed and petty god after Kane strangled his brother Abel. Kane has lived thousands of years and is both an expert fighter, tactician, strategist, but also a damned powerful wizard. Red headed, with pale blue strangler’s eyes and 300 pounds of muscle on a 6’ frame make him a formidable foe. In each story, by the end, Kane ha played both sides against each other, had both sides turn on him, right before both side destroy each other, leaving only Kane to ride away. In a few of the stories other make the tragic and fatal mistake of hunting him. The stories are grim and violent. In one, Sathones (the Devil) and a woman Kane pumped and dumped both try using Kane’s daughter as a way to strike back at him, all while bounty hunters try to bring in the wounded Kane. By the end, Sathones is disappointed, Kan and his daughter walk away and a whole lot of people are left to feed the crows. The author, Karl Edward Wagner, was a psychologist by vocation and a bushy bearded biker by hobby.

The Elric series (Michael Moorcock) – Elric is the last King of Melnibonea, an ancient land of powerful magic that once ruled the world and whose rulers had contact with and could call upon a variety of Gods (the Lords of Chaos) and demons. Elric is flawed in that he is an albino and relies on his demon-sword Stormbringer to help sustain him with the energy it gets when it slices into people and sucks out their souls. After killing his cousin/lover/bride-to-be, Elric abdicates the throne and wanders the world. He becomes a force for good and begins to consort with agents of the Lords of Law. Many people come after him and they all die. When the upstart sorcerers of Pan Tang try to seize his homeland, Elric resumes the mantle of kingship to show the whelps what real magical power is. By the end of the books, Elric initiates the final battle between Law and Chaos on his world and at the end, as the god battle over an unmade world. Elric is but one aspect of The Eternal Champion.

The Corum series I – Prince Corum of the Scarlet Robe (Michael Moorcock) – Another incarnation of the Eternal Champion, Corum is a prince of a race that preceded man and all is fine until man, with his crude gods and ideas come along and destroy Corum’s home, kills his family and mutilate him (taking a hand and an eye). Escaping them, Corum gains the use of an alien hand and eye, which have many strange powers and on occasion act as if they have a will of their own. The eye can see into a netherworld, while the hand can command the dead things there and bring them into Corum’s world. Along the way, Corum encounters the Lords of Chaos and disrupts their plans for him, men and his world. While imprisoned in Duke Teer’s Castle of Blood, Corum’s hand is reunited with its rightful owner, the god Kwll, who predates this universe. Kwll is not happy and when Kwll is not happy, gods die. Eventually, Corum’s eye is returned to its rightful owner, Kwll’s brother Rhynn – while incomplete they were bound to this plane of existence. Once free, they skip town before Corum and others realize that ordinary people can kill god, even them.

The Corum series II – Corum of the Silver Hand (Michael Moorcock) – Corum had taken a human wife, who lived a long life, but which was very short by Corum’s standards and perfected a steel and silver artificial hand. Alone, he begins to have strange dreams, or so he thinks, until he is drawn into a future where he has been “dead” for millennia. These tales are loosely based on the Irish tales of the gods battling the evil Fhoi Mhore. Because Corum is not human and has helped kill gods in the past, he is able to release powerful entities that help mankind defeat the evil, decaying gods, like Balor of the Evil Eye, whose gaze can destroy. These gods are malevolent, huge, ponderous, diseased, deranged and homicidal.

The Hawkmoon series I – The Runestaff Series (Michael Moorcock) – millennia in the future, Europe is being conquered by the Empire of Gran Bretan, whose soldiers were masks of various animals, which denotes which lord they are loyal to and their primary function. Resisting the empire as a small handful of fighters residing in the Kamarg, Count Brass, his daughter Yselda, and a disillusioned former soldier of Gran Bretan, Dorian Hawkmoon of Koln. The Kamarg holds the empire at bay with weaponry even more sophisticated than the empire’s while Hawkmoon seeks allies and rumored weapons of power. Travelling as far east as Asiacommunista and west across the ocean to D’nark and N’Orleans he gathers to him the Sword of the Dawn, which can summon and army, and the Runestaff. Along the way he encounters Elric and Corum and another Eternal Champion (Urlik Skarsol of the Southern Ice). The artifacts, including a black, pulsing jewel in his forehead, new found allies and treachery within the Gran Bretan empire enable Hawkmoon and company win the day. The armies fight with flame lances, swords, ornithopters and such, while Gran Bretan is so powerful is built a bridge from Londra to the main continent, near Kalaye.

Hawkmoon series II – The Chronicles of Count Brass (Michael Moorcock) – Peace reigns in Europa after the defeat of the Empire of Gran Bretan, until Hawkmoon’s wife and child disappear and the memories of their existence seem to have been warped so that only Hawkmoon remembers they existed. Heading out on one adventure leads him down a path where the very fabric of reality lies in the balance and he is once more reunited with Elric and Corum to destroy alien sorcerers of staggering power. Out of all the series, this is the only one with a happy ending.

Other honorable mentions:
Isle of the Dead – Roger Zelazny
Jack of Shadow – Roger Zelazny
The Amber series – Roger Zelazny
Hammer’s Slammers – David Drake
Foundation Trilogy – Isaac Asimov

DON’T discuss amongst yourselves, come on over to the Forums and let your thoughts run free, like a naked Anne Hathaway on a sunny beach in Tahiti.

Beowulf
Posted by Vladimyr on Friday, February 1 2008

Bad-motherfucking-ass. That is a nice hybrid word one could use to describe the carnage and battle-filled glory that is the movie Beowulf. We all know the basic story, right? Let me elaborate ever so slightly for those of you who aren't fans of Viking era glory!! (***note*** If this is you, you probably don't belong on this website)

Denmark, 507 A.D. - Old King Hrothgar and his rowdy band of warriors are getting drunk and fucking big tittied mead wenches in his new mead hall. Out of nowhere comes Grendel, the spawn of a nearby water demon, to kick a little ass and chew some Viking gum. The noise of the debauchery being had in the mead hall apparently offends his delicate sensibilities and puts his demonic panties in a bunch. Soon after Hrothgar closes down the mead hall in fear of the monster and puts out the call for a hero to come and save his nuts. A few months later Beowulf and his battle-hardened band of Geats show up to fuck the Danes women and kill their demon. When Grendel shows up at the mead hall that night Beowulf not only kicks his ass but he rips his fucking arm off, killing him. Grendel's mother, whose name is apparently Grendel's mother, is rather unhappy about this and shows up to kill Beowulf's men. He follows the bitch back to her moist cave (not a reference to her vagina) and does battle with her for three days and nights, finally slaying her and ending the demonic reign of terror in Denmark. In light of his valor he is named King of Danes and rules for many years. As an old man a dragon comes to plague his lands wreaking terror on his people and waking him from his naps. He puts on the old armor and grabs up his Viking Axe and heads out to slay the dragon, fuck-a-lye, man, fuck-a-loo!! A great battle of fire and blood ensues. When the smoke has cleared and the ground no longer shakes the dragon is slain....as is Beowulf.

Now, the movie departs from the poem in several ways. First and foremost, the water demon is played by super-fine-crazy-means-good-fuckin Angelina Jolie. Even animated I'd fuck her 'til my heart explodes. Okay, so that isn't first and foremost but it is of great importance to anyone reading this site. Actually, the biggest departure is how the writers filled the holes in the poem to make a cohesive movie. In the movie Hrothgar fucks the water demon in his youth making Grendel his son. In turn, Beowulf fucks the water demon in his youth and is visited in his later years by the dragon...his son. I mean, look at the water demon. I'd fuck her too...even if it meant my hideous CHUDD of a child was going to revisit my "sins" upon me. Being a Viking is all about sins; rape, murder, stealing, lying, fucking, drinking and so on. They also turn Grendel from a monster that kills to kill into a somewhat sympathetic creature. Instead of him being evil he is just misunderstood and the blame for his violence is shifted to the humans. That's weak...but it is redeemed when Beowulf punches a fucking hole in the side of Grendel's head. That's him saying "I don't give a fuck whether we created you...you're going DOWN BITCH!!!"

I was slightly disappointed with Grendel's appearance (left). He was gnarly as fuck and definitely creepy but I was really hoping for more menacing and evil. However, if that leaves you wanting the dragon definitely delivers. Either way, I think it was a sweet fucking movie. Loads of violence, Viking tales of valor and bravery, hot bitches (even if they were animated over), drinking, battle, sex, lying, betrayal....basically a day in the life of any quality Orc.

Sunshine (2007)
Posted by Vladimyr on Tuesday, December 18 2007

The year is 2057, the Sun is fading and Earth is in nuclear winter. In a last ditch effort to prevent the end of our world as we know it, the best science has to offer sends a crew of 8 aboard the Icarus II, sister ship of the ill-fated Icarus I, to put the smack down on the big yellow star in the sky. In an effort that could only have been the brain child of the American military (Hooah!!) the plan is to detonate a fucking epic thermonuclear bomb to re-ignite the Sun. If at first you don't succeed, blow the shit out of something. This is apparently humanity's last chance as the payload, as the characters continually refer to the bomb, used up all remaining nuclear materials the planet has to offer.

Things appear to be going swimmingly right up until the crew picks up the distress signal of Icarus I. Capa, the ship's physicist/payload expert (played by creepy ass Cillian Murphy), makes the decision to deviate from the mission course to hook up with Icarus I in hopes of acquiring a second payload. Two warheads are better than one. From this moment on in the movie, shit goes haywire. The crew is forced to make decisions that would make your asshole pucker. Ultimately they are all expendible when you consider the importance of the mission (death of the planet). However, many of them are fucking pussies and can't stop clinging to what days they have remaining. Some of them take a nod from that piece of shit Survivor and form alliances to remove less useful members of the crew to conserve the dwindling oxygen supply. If I had been aboard I would have been concentraing on two things:

1) Complete the mission
2) Repeated attempts at impregnation of the ship's pilot, Cassie (played by Rose Byrne - smokin'!!)

The latter part of the movie turns darker and more violent as they come ever closer to the sun. There is an unknown saboteur aboard Icarus II. He's crazy, crispy and fanatical...like Fiery Habanero Dorito's made the sexy with a big pitcher of cult Kool-Aid. Will Capa deliver the payload and save the Earth? Will the saboteur accidentally expose Cassie's ample bussom while trying to kill her? Will this be the last movie review on this up and down website? You'll have to watch the movie - and come back here regularly - to find out.

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