Posted by Uppercut on Tuesday, July 15 2003
Since this is my first article for the site, let me warn you that I'm basically pissed off 24/7, sort of like Dennis Leary having PMS during a really bad hair day. Deal with it.
That having been said, chances are if you're reading this article then it applies to you. 99% of people on the road drive like shit. What's worse, this trend appears to be growing. How often have you been driving down the street only to have some assmunch cut you off, nearly removing the front end of your car? Or what about the yahoo that rides your ass like he wants to penetrate it? Then there's granny, who is so damn short that she needs a phone book under her ass just to see over the steering wheel.
You pissed off yet? I am. Holy shit, I'm about to Hulk out...
Allow me to provide you with a ranking of horrible drivers in descending order for your reading pleasure. First and foremost comes old people. Not unlike nipples on a man, they serve no purpose but it would be strange without them. Regardless of their sex, once they reach a certain age they can't drive for shit. How often have you seen some old lady going 45 in the fast lane down the highway. MOVE IT bitch or get ran over! Motor (pun intended) reflexes are dulled, reaction time is laughable at best, and judgement is pathetic. Hey, wait, that sounds like someone who is under the influence of alcohol. Yet old people are still allowed to drive...hmm...Alas, that is a rant for another time. Second, Asian people suck at driving. For the purpose of this article, we'll be referring to all Asians as Chinese. White people have a horrible sense of geography so it's just easier for me. Chinese people are good at kung fu and video games, but suck a mighty meat pole when it comes to driving. Damn, now I want some orange chicken...Next on the list comes hispanic people, all of which shall be referred to as Mexicans. Fuck they can't drive. When you see a van full of 17 of them puttering down the road equipped with luggage and lawn mowers, prepare to pass. Maybe the fact that they can't read any of our speed limit signs has something to do with it, I dunno. And finally, women. OH MY GOD, women cannot drive. Afraid to merge, afraid to pass, afraid to do anything except get right the fuck in front of me as I'm barreling down the fast lane. AAARRGGH!!!
There are two key points I'd like to illustrate that will benefit us all. Listen closely now, because there will be a test later. The far left lane is the FAST LANE, to be used exclusively for passing. You are to drive in the other lanes, and utilize the fast lane if you wish to drive faster than the jackalope in front of you. So, don't even consider getting in the fast lane unless you intend to drive faster than everyone else. And while you are in the fast lane, if you see another car come up behind you that appears to be traveling at a higher rate of speed than you--GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! Isn't that a no-brainer?!! My second point is regarding turn signals. Just fucking use them. It's that simple. Don't think of them as optional. Just because you won't get a ticket for not using them doesn't mean you shouldn't. And don't turn the fucking signal on while you're in the middle of the turn, braniac. Do it in advance so the driver behind you is made aware.
The gist of my rant is this: people drive like crap because they're inconsiderate. They don't use signals(flipping the bird doesn't count), they don't obey traffic laws, they cut one another off, and they're just plain stupid. Be cognizant of others around you! Shit! This may come as a surprise sizzlechest, but you're not the only person in the world. That guy on your ass is probably that close because he wants to pass you. Dumbass.
If people drove as they should, there would be no traffic jams, no road rage, and significantly less automobile accidents. Insurance goes down, we all get to where we're going quicker, we save money due to less gas used, and life is peachy. Of course, this is all just a pipe dream on my part because the majority of people in the world are stupid. Goddamn it, now I gotta go play some Grand Theft Auto to work this shit out of my system...
