Posted by Vladimyr on Friday, October 31, 2003
I love Halloween. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. For one night, everyone feels a little more wicked; a little scarier; a little more mysterious. You get to pretend to be something you aren’t and run about celebrating the unknown. How exciting! Well, exciting if you aren’t one of the myriad of assholes that fuck it up!
Let’s start with trick-or-treating. What fun! Little kids running around feeling so cool in their costumes, pretending to be their favorite cartoon or movie character. The smiles on their faces as they shyly ask for candy is a sight to behold. So who the fuck do you think you are giving out pennies, you cheap waste of flesh? What the hell is wrong with you? Is this 1934? Kids today aren’t idiots. They know a penny is worthless. Put a jacket on over your stained wife-beater, pull your dirty jeans up to cover your plumber crack and take your cheap ass to the store. Did you know you could get a bag of about 100 pieces of bubble-gum, which kids adore, for around two dollars? That’s right! If you don’t want kids coming to your house, just lock the door and turn off your porch light, you prick.
Who started this bullshit urban legend about people putting razor blades or rat poison or some random dangerous substance in candy and handing it out? Probably the same prick that came up with the dirty heroine needle in the movie theatre seat/payphone coin return. Does anybody out there honestly know somebody who this has happened to? I doubt it. Oh, some meat-gazer told me that he had a friend it happened to, yet he couldn’t produce the friend. That’s what always happens in urban legends, Slappy. Get over it, people! It’s just not true. Stop checking each and every piece of candy your kid eats. What the fuck do you think you’re going to find? Are you some sort of brilliant chemist? Can you see or smell these deadly substances? If so, I’m sure the FBI would love to have you on staff. Give them a call!
While we’re talking about parents and trick-or-treating, let’s touch on the really bad homemade costumes. I think it’s great if you are a parent with a talent for sewing and being creative with things. If you take an active part in helping your child put together a really great costume, good for you! However, the next kid I see wearing a fucking red sweat suit with an M on it made out of white tape I’m going to go ape shit. That kid is not an M&M, he or she is a kid with sweatpants, a sweatshirt and some fucking tape, you fuckstick. I know you thought you were really clever when you put little Suzy in a purple sweat suit and pinned purple balloons on her with that green hat. But, you know what? Your kid looked like an asshole as a retarded bunch of grapes. Stop the madness, people!! Let me pose this as a warning to those of you who plan to do this. If I see your kid walking down the street on Halloween night and he is wearing a helmet with his costume that is made of an old milk jug, I will beat you like the gimp I keep in my basement. You have been warned.
Now, for the older kids out there that are in that strange age group, 13 to 16 let’s say, you should be aware. There is nothing humorous about stealing a little kid’s candy. I don’t care if you’re only 5’4” and weigh 120 pounds. If I catch you doing it, I’ll beat you like the fax machine in Office Space. A good friend of mine actually had some bullies get him on Halloween when he was 8 years old. A group of older kids riding mopeds, which is surely about as gay as you can get, came up on him. Using duct tape, they secured him to a telephone pole, took his candy and left him there. He was taped to that pole for over an hour. I’m sure some of our readers find that funny. If you do, fuck off and go away. I don’t need you using up my bandwidth. I may be a huge prick in many ways and I may have some fairly harsh opinions, but when it comes to kids I’m all heart. That shit shouldn’t happen. Halloween should be a great and fun time for kids of all ages. Find something better to do. If you don’t, then know what may happen to you if you’re caught, you little fucks.
Last on my list for today, but certainly not least, are the religious fanatics out there that think Halloween is just plain wrong. Listen up, Shitwad. Halloween is not connected with your Devil. It isn’t a holiday for evil and evil things. It is a rooted in ancient Celtic traditions. It was a day that signaled the close of harvest and the initiation of the winter season. That’s it! If your kid puts on a cape and some little red horns, that doesn’t mean he’s going to Hell. You people are ridiculous, but that’s a rant for another day.
In closing, I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween, with the exception of the assholes listed above. I hope you fucking choke.
