Trials and Tribulations of the Cable Guy
Posted by mach5potato on Friday, May 23 2008


Recently I became employed with a local cable television and phone provider. I do installs and troubleshooting in people’s homes. Don’t laugh; I’ve got more channels than you do asshole. This is my first job where I get to work in someone else’s house. I’ve noticed that people no matter their socio-economic status, gender, race, or creed all fall into a few basic sub-sects. I’m now going to outline a few of these for your reading pleasure (or chagrin). I didn’t just type the word chagrin did I? Yes, I did. Fuck.

Bob Vila: Bob calls up one day and says that his/her cable looks like ass and nothing has changed. One day it worked great, now it looks like shit. So I roll up to Bobby’s house and can tell by the F-350 packed with shovels, tools, bags of cement, and smell of hired Mexican day labor that this isn’t going to go well. Bob has dug up his backyard to put in that super neat-o koi pond he always wanted (great in a climate that’s fucking frozen a third of the year asshole). Bob never calls before he digs because nobody ever buries any lines in a yard, that’s a myth. The cable signal is delivered by magic storks and powered by rainbows. Shit, that’s a trade secret I just divulged. Forget that part. Bob also hung a few hundred pictures in his house with six inch railroad spikes, just to make sure they stay hung. Never any lines in walls either, storks and rainbows. Now it’s my job to tell Sir Bob that he’s looking at a grand to have his walls ripped out and re-cabled and his yard dug up for a new drop bury. Bobby isn’t pleased, but I am. Pleased to the very core of my being. Down to my quarks or some other quantum particle thingy that I pretend to understand to look smart.

Cable Guy Movie Quotes Guy: Three of these a week. Minimum. “Yes sir, first time I’ve heard that one.” Die in a fire.

It Was Here When I Moved In: This asshole is almost as bad as Bob Vila. He’s got some shitty ass Sam’s Club splitters and black market Guatemalan cable wire from the 1950’s that he bought from some guy his roofer brother knows strung all though his house in an effort to somehow fuck the cable company out of money. Never mind the fact that we’ll come out and hook up however many TVs you have for free as long as your signal holds out. The worst thing about this pussy is that he’ll never man up and admit he did it. Like I’ll pull out the handcuffs and take him to the station to face Judge Judy or something. It was here when we bought the house. Really? That bag of tools, receipt from Radio Shack for 25 two-way cable splitters, and 75 feet of RG-6 must have been left behind as well. DON’T FUCK WITH YOUR OWN CABLE IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! You will fuck it up. Bad. Yes when we leave we call our cable guy buddies and laugh at you. We’re cool like that. I know you can’t live knowing you’re the laughing stock of the cable company.

Shitty Apartment Guy: Shitty apartment guy can’t understand why I can’t drill 17 holes in walls he doesn’t own so he can have his basic cable service run from his living room outlet, through fifty feet of cable, and eventually in to his bathroom. Buy a house and I’ll punch holes in your walls all day. It’s fun.

Could You Take Off Your Shoes?: This one is horrible. Baby shit, roaches (weed and legged), kool-aid, and broken glass take up more of the floor than does the carpet. So naturally my work boots are going to have to come off. Lady I’d rather eat cereal from a communal toilet in Calcutta than walk across your floor in my socks.

He Just Wants to Play: Oh, you’ll be fine. The 400 pound mastiff in the back yard just wants to play! But before you go back there a few things to remember. Don’t look him in the eye. Don’t corner him. Don’t have food on your breath. Don’t let him see your fear. Don’t take your eyes off him. If he fucks your leg let him finish.

Old Ladies: Why are you watching cable and not dying? Really. Just go. The grandkids are scared shitless of you and your kids just want your antique dining room set. For the love of Thor just die!!!

So as you can clearly see my job rules. Study hard and eat your Wheaties and you too can experience the joy that is being the Cable Guy!

Have some rage to vent about your job? Visit the forums and you can do just that.

Pulled from the forums!!!
Posted by Vladimyr on Friday, May 16 2008

Pulled from the forums...the talented rantings of the Orc community for your reading pleasure!!!

From SKD
Dear Pain-in-My-Ass Waitress,

Want to know why your stupid ass isn't getting any tips? It's because your pussy is so vile it literally overpowers the scent of the undercooked canned meat products you're shoveling at the fat fucking customers. It's called basic hygiene and it's supposed to be one of the cornerstones of your half of the species. For the love of Christ, douche that fetid pit of despair and sorrow you call a vagina out, brush your hideous goddamn teeth more than once a month, and please, on behalf of men everywhere, keep your wrinkly old tits tucked well beneath a shirt that doesn't scream "LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS MY TRADEMARK". You're disturbing the customers and looking at you makes me want to kill myself and everyone around me.

Your friendly, neighborhood busboy,

-SKD

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Classy!! I've always felt that people should write more letters. Here's another gem:
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From SKD:
It's time we as a collective society did something about the spikey-haired loudmouthed fucks who stride out of their Philosophy 101 class and think they've discovered the meaning to life. I like to consider myself a decent guy, but every time I hear you say, "but Professor, I think it would be better if..." I want to tear your head off your scrawny, over-tanned shoulders and sodomize your brain stem. Who the fuck do you think you are to question a man who has spent years educating assholes like you? Do you think proudly saying, "I don't think Abraham Lincoln being killed was a good thing" is going to somehow radically alter the class? No shit, it wasn't good. The guy with a doctorates degree in history JUST FUCKING SAID THAT. And I swear to tap-dancing Shiva, if you walk into lecture, letting the door slam as you enter, with the collar of your sky blue polo shirt popped while it's still 15 degrees outside, expect to be stabbed in the trachea with a pen. It's all I can do to keep from leaping over four rows of chairs and beating you to death with my textbook for wearing fucking aviators indoors.

Also, how come the walls of the shitters in the English Building aren't covered in more creative poetry? I need something funny to read while I'm dropping brown bombs over the Porcelain Pond. English majors are really fucking disappointing.

Chrisgopher added:
I'm a business major, so that alone is reason for me to be angry all the time. I also share SKD's distaste for my fellow classmates. Gone are the days where the professor just sat, talked, and taught you things, now either you have incompetent professors or jack-off students always ruining things.

You have 4 types of people: Professors with no experience in their field, and professors who have worked in their field of study for several years before coming back to teach. Next are the students, you're either a high school graduate with no insight to the world beyond the classroom, or you're a college comeback who has a steady job and is looking for more education in your late 20's early 30's.

Let's look at the relationship between the experienced teacher and the old student. When the students who think they know what they are talking about chime in with their own little remarks about how the business world really works is when shit hits the fan. They constantly argue with the professor, saying shit like, "But that's not how it works in my job!"

Your job is different from the norm, live with it. The person standing in front of the room with the piece of chalk in their hand didn't get to where they are now by not knowing a thing or two about many different areas about their field of study. So sit down, shut up, and take what you can from the class. Stop pissing me off with your pointless arguments about management and how bosses really are in the workplace.

You think you're so smart? Then why are you sitting in a classroom next to me, a C-B average student? I guess if you are here then you don't know everything now do you?

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Ahhh, college. Where you actually pay to be surrounded by idiots. Here's a little frustration from the Elder Statesman of the forums, aimed at those who haven't figured out that technology has arrived.
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From CaptainKickback:
Another group that needs to go up against the wall are the miserable fucktards that still write checks at the grocery store or department store. WHAT THE FUCK!?! Use your goddamned debit card and move along you rancid fucktard! Are you that fucking stupid? Or just a huge douche?

Byron added:
Holy shit man, when Im at the grocery store and I see some broad (it's ALWAYS some broad) pull out a checkbook my body just instantly takes a pose of disgust- and it isn;t just me, I see the other people in the queue getting pissed too. Man, I just want to take that pen and stab her neck with it. WHO THE FUCK buys groceries with a check??!!! God damn, I can hardly even remember the last time I used a check for any purpose. To me, using a check is akin to me contacting my friends using a fucking telegraph. "Hold on Randy, let me harness the horses up to my carriage and I'll be right over. STOP. ". Motherfuckers.

FrankenSack added:
...and if these stupid fucking bitches who can't come in to the 21st century have to write a check, why can't they be considerate enough to fill out everything except the amount while their shit is being rung up? Come the fuck on, Lady!! It's bad enough you have to hold the rest of us up while you struggle to spell out the monetary value..."Ummm...where does the hypen go? Between the hundred and thirty seven or between the thiry seven and not the hundred? Boy, the puppies on these custom checks I paid too much for are really cute. I wonder why the guy behind me looks so pissed?" And have your fucking license out and ready!! You know they're going to ask you for it. I don't write checks at stores and I fucking know they're going to ask you for it!! Shit like this is why they don't include hunting knives in the impulse buy section by the registers....
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See what you're missing!? Come on over to the forums and mix it up....you won't regret it! Well, so long as Scummy doesn't take a special liking to you that is...

March...for lack of a better subject
Posted by Vladimyr on Wednesday, March 19 2008

Because I am solidly out of ideas, I bring you the following random useless information about March...the current month (third month of the year in the Gregorian Calendar), not the rhythmic walking practiced in military formations.

The name March comes from the calendar of the ancient Romans. Back then it was the first month of the year and called Martius after Mars, the Roman god of war. March marks the beginning of spring, which is the beginning of the military campaign season, hence the relation to the god of war. The Romans, like the Orcs, were fond of kicking the shit out of anyone not Roman and impregnating their women to make them Roman. The Romans, unlike the Orcs, were fond of man on boy sex and eventually fell from power. More recently, the Italians, who are descendants of kick ass warmongers, outlawed grabbing your junk in public. Rome didn't just fall....it is still falling. Fucking pussies.

So, what events happen in March each year? Let's see...

American Red Cross Month - The American Red Cross spends extra donated dollars paying themselves fat salaries and calling you to ask for more donated dollars, pestering the shit out of you. They also ask for your blood. If my blood is going to be spilled it won't be into a plastic bag in exchange for a t-shirt and some candy.

Women's History Month - What should be celebration of cooking, cleaning and making babies is not that at all. It is a celebration of equal wages for less work, promotions based on gender and not abilities and the fact that the vagina gives women power over men. Inappropriate comments aside, I think it's fucking stupid. This is just another step towards demonizing Caucasian men. Where is Men's History Month? Men are responsible, like it or not, for basically all major historical events leading up to very modern times. Where is White History Month? Why does politically correct society try to fuck with me because I'm a white male? Equal rights? Fuck that. Everyone wants to be a separate group (women, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Dutch) with rights equal to white males? Bullshit. They all want special rights, special consideration and special treatment. You want equal pay for equal work? You start providing the equal work and I've got no problem with that. And while you're at it, tell your tits to stop staring at my eyes....it's distracting.

Mardi Gras - A massive celebration of debauchery, drunkenness and tits, I can only come up with one bad thing to say about it. It's fucking French. To put a positive spin on that, records show that the Mardi Gras celebration in France started back in about 1294 when France had balls and was considered a European power.

International Women's Day - see Women's History Month above....fucking bullshit....

Girl Scout Anniversary - March 12, 1912 marks the beginning of little girls selling shitty overpriced cookies. Damn you for changing the name of Samoas and calling them Caramel deLites. Bullshit!!! Change 'em back you little twats...

Pi Day - Geeks rejoice! March 14th marks the celebration of the mathematical constant, Pi. Umm, yeah. 3.14...I hate math.

Steak and a Blowjob Day The more important holiday falling on March 14th!! Finally, men's answer to Valentine's Day. No cards, no overpriced flowers, no bullshit dinner at Ches Fuckmeinthewallet...just a good piece of cow cooked on an open flame and a good dick sucking. Simple, to the point and possibly the best holiday of the year.

St. Patrick's Day - March 17th marks the death of the patron saint of Ireland. St. Patrick is thought to have run all the snakes out of the Emerald Isle, saving the Irish people from...umm...snake bites. In celebration of his monumental accomplishment (though it is believed there were never snakes in Ireland) everyone gets right shitty drunk and passes out to wake up with a Sharpie drawn dick on their face and a skullcracking hangover. Thank you, Christianity!! Oh, and March also marks St. David's Day and St. Joseph's Day...but, as expected, nobody gives a shit.

Easter - Sometimes Easter is in March and sometimes it's in April. Either way, I think it is worth mentioning a holiday where we celebrate a giant rabbit that shits candy filled eggs in your backyard when you aren't looking. Hell, he's even nice enough to shit them around the inside of your house in inclement weather. He's a stand-up rabbit, he is!!

Hanami - Never heard of Hanami? Me either...until today. It is the traditional Japanese custom of enjoying the beauty of flowers in late March. Then they go eat a big fucking bowl of dolphin meat and watch porn with little girls dressed in school girl/sailor outfits. Somewhere the ghost of a Samurai weeps....and PedoBear smiles.

March noodle-baker: From March onwards, every five months will be exactly the same as the day before the day that begins the month five months ago. Put that shit in your pipe and smoke it!

In closing, fuck the American Red Cross for feeding vampires; fuck celebrating Women just for being women; fuck the French; fuck Caramel deLites; fuck 3.14; hooray for steak and cocksucking; hooray for Irish alcoholics; fuck Easter; fuck the pussification of Japanese culture.

Buddy Fuckers
Posted by Vladimyr on Wednesday, February 20 2008

Have you ever done something worthy of praise just to have someone else claim the victory? Chances are if you are one of our readers you have done nothing worthy of praise but plenty worthy of incarceration or perhaps corporal punishment. Either way, play along with me here so I can get my point out there. Just nod a blank yes to your monitor and keep reading. There are many terms out there for these bottom feeding bastards.



Some with class:
Spotlight Hijacker
Scene Stealer
Bravo Brigand
Kudo Caibosher
Limelight Looter

Some that I would use:
Buddy Fucker
Cock Blocker
Platoon Leader (fucking butter bar award whores)
Dead Man

Pretty much everything going on in the world pisses me off to some degree. I'm often accused of being an unhappy person. That just isn't true! I'm just a highly irritated intelligent person living in a world filled with idiots, retards and inbreds (not necessarily in that order). That said, if you want to see my green blood boil over in a frothing rage the likes of which has never been seen, take credit for my hard work. I fucking dare you! I work in an environment where, without too much chest thumping, I am the fucking man. I'm the goto guy regardless of the project. If I don't know the answer I will find out and by the end of the project I will fucking own it. I don't bother doing things half assed. Save that shit for sex with your wife...because when it comes to my assigned projects I'm going to pile drive them face first into the bed then whip them over and cum on their tits. None of this jizz and a nap in record time shit.

My desire to stive to be the best at what I do sets me apart from many of my co-workers and it pisses some of them off. I offer my unique brand of wisdom and training to anyone who wants it but many would rather attempt to lay claim to my efforts then learn how to do their job. Do you want to expire in an unpleasant manner? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you think attaching your name to my work is going to erase the list of failed projects with your name attached? Santa is too fucking busy to check that list twice. And don't think I'm going to let it slide. Am I going to run to the group manager and whine? No, I still keep my balls betwixt my legs where they belong. Are you going to find a Mexican Toothpick in your tire at 5pm? Quite possibly...if you don't find it stuck in your hand.

Buddy Fuckers are everywhere and there are all flavors of them. Let us not forgot one of the most important to look out for. The classic Cock Blocker who talks shit on you when around a group of whores when you're trying to crack some panties. What the fuck is that? Do you think you're going to look cool by talking shit on me to them? You look like an asshole and you just broke a cardinal rule. So not only are you going home to give yourself a handjob tonight but you're likely walking home with a limp, a broken nose and some cracked ribs. I hope it was worth it. You're excommunicated and a virgin. Gay...

Okay, I'm tapped for now. Coming down off an anger high often leaves me at a loss for words, which is the case at the moment. However, don't let this die here. Speak up in the forums and let us know about your experiences with the all too common Buddy Fucker. Maybe we can pay him a little visit once we complete training at the compound in Montana (an excellent idea from the forums).

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